The Fault In Our Stars.

Im just done finished one of my favourite movie. Which is The Fault in Our Stars. Why do i love that movie? Because it is the closest to my own reality life... the movie that shows not only healthy people tend to feel the love.. to fall in love.. to have couples... and not everyone is healthy...

I understand that if u have one kind of sickness..that wrap your life eversince..  you will go a way further to fall in love... to feel what is love.. sometimes u just love to see people.. who fall in love.. have a nice couples.. but not for you.. because u wont feel the strength to gone through it with your condition..

Having a sickness makes you different from a normal people.. u can be a person who laugh the most but infact you are the one who suffered the most.. u can be the one who smile a lot infact u can't even create ur own frown for yourself..

Fainted everywhere... see your mom looking at u and worried about you after you wake up is not a thing i always thought will never did again... but i always failed...

Everytime i just awake from my faint... she look at me like... i feel a lot of burden to her... and i would always keep away my eyes from look at it..

Seeing ur mom take out cash to pay your hospitality.. which is uncounted.. and keep thinking until when u will stop make her paid for your hospitality stuff.. those things.. and u just sit there and just can sit.. seeing her.. feel useless...

And when you watch tv's of phone's.. after several times ur head will hurts.. while u just a moment to watch it.. ur head is hurts.. really hurt like there is a needle with really small and sharp tip keep beak ur brain... and u just have to throwed away the remoted and tried to sleep.. but u always failed to sleep sometimes because of the hurt...

So u have to get rid all those media stuff... all those lights actually... and ur mom keep concerned u too sleep all the times and rest... and u like cant do anything at all... and of course.. not to go outside or go anywhere just alone.. anymore..

And of course... friends will avoided you... slowly.. u are losing friends.. cause u cant go out together as they often did.. and u just follow what ur mom said to lift their burden.. enough with no one will stick to you after sees what happen... some may laugh at you just because ure sick... and played around with it..

Makes me heartless...

I never showed that im weaked.. cause i never wanted anyone to see me as weak.. im always do my own business.. cause i have to keep away from people who hurt my feeling by make me as a joke...

And there's also a lot of things i couldnt involve... i cant involve sports.. i couldnt joined any trip like camping or what.. so im just stick to academic... sometimes just being supportive to my friends who involve sports.. like "heyyy u can do ittt ! Run as fast as u could and get the medal babes!!" thats all i can.. but actually i was good in running at primary school... just before i know i had the sickness...

But in high school i was one of the Volleyball club president but i keep just sit and not to play..."nahhh xpayah aku takkan main. Korang main jelahh" just my job to check all volleyball ball.  Volleyball ball? What is that? Nevermind. Wether enough or not.. and tick either they are absence or not.. the one i hate when they like "tanda aku dtg tau tp lg 5 min aku chow" aish but i just did it because i agreed that its quite bored to play volleyball every weekend .. but i play once or just sometimes because they forced me to..

Yeaaa im quite active at schools.. do a lot of thing because im not a sit back type.. i love to do so many things.. just this kind of condition makes me not too..

And at my university i become one of the assistant in the Photo Club. I was enjoying much to learn about photography since i was one of the president of Computer Club at school and im teaching all those technique in computer include designing. I make all of them know the function of adobe. And what the software could do. And what photoshop could do.

Maybe thats is why im quite well known. Not really well known. But my junior quite a lot. And i also teach form 1 2 3. Although i was form 4 5 like that. And im happy to see them explore it themselves. It is that the facilities quite limited but yeahh im happy.

And sometimes i loves form 1 or 2 that just so cute and small haha.. i love kids. Pinch their cheek all the time haha..

I know that i was like talked so much nonsense so far but what im trying to said was.. being sick quite makes ur life limited but its never stop u from do what u love... there is always other way to do what u want even u have so many taboos or what to make urself stay healthy so that u wont makes others worried of you ... but u always can..

But.. it is so beautiful when u found someone who really2 understand you.. who treat u so well.. really2 makes u laugh.. really2 makes u smile.. being so much honest to you.. never treat u like sick... make u tried everything that u ever thought impossible... that u scared to try but its just nothing.. nothing that makes u hurt at all.. makes u see the world so widely.. makes you happy and smile back.. make u feel a lot of strength.. sometimes mad at u about the right thing but just u cant accept it.. makes u believe the truth about urself... makes u believe the fact about urself that u hardly to accept... because u always feel like u are normal and makes u feel u are better than others...

And i dont wanna lose that special person....