Final exam

Harini start final exam aku yang pertama.
Tasawwur Islam.
Start pukul 2.30 tadi.
and he was always there accompany me
my strength.
his smile is my strength.
and he keep saying i can do it even how possible it was.

untuk subject ni aku prepared jugakla..
read so much at home.
sebab aku baca and study semua boleh masuk dalam kepala.

and the question all ive expected.
but some i dont remember.
some question though
some are like common sense which direct me to remember the answer.

i hope i could score for this subject.
Amin.

Me

Maybe im thinking too much..
Maybe im overthinking..
Maybe im overact..
Maybe im too complicated..
Maybe im not a patient person..
Maybe im cause a burden too much..
Maybe i feel too much lonely..
Maybe i spend too much..
Maybe im forced too much..

Me..

WhatsApp group

First thing Fuck off to whatsapp group. Aku paling benci whatsapp group.
Kenapaaaa ?
Sebab whatsapp group je dah menunjukkan betapa racist nye orang melayu. I mean yaaaa kalau korang pernah join whatsapp group mesti tau benda2 ni semua kan? Aku sure pernah experience benda2 ni semua.

The fucking things bila yang paling pandai i mean those yang always get 4flat, post apa2 dalam group keep dapat sambutan like kalau boleh semua nak reply. I mean what the fuck ?? Then kalau yang biasa2 post the same thing it was like krik krik krik. Again its fuck. Malay was racist. Cause my class now got none of other bangsa than Malay. And in the group class all of em was Malay. And why need to be racist?? Benda sama or info yang sama, tapi still nak tengok who gave it. Sometimes yang bukan budak 4flat yang bagi info anggap salah. Even yang budak 4flat tu yg actually bg wrong info. So fuck. And sometimes aku mmg xjoin lansung group2 benda ni semua.
And aku harap xde dah. Sebab semua macam low mind thinking. Unmatured. And idk how they think.

Because when i was at school, 20% of my classmate was Chinese and like 3 of us was Indian and the rest was Malay. And we can be like have a great bonding. And whatever i said to group or whatever i post always get feedback from all of them. And like we dont have a gap at all. And when we have gathering all of us can come and laugh together even we are different races and religion. Im quite happy during that moment. Cause we never judge each other based on our academic status.

And i wont leave the group. Maybe i will just sit and watch. But i wont interrupt or joined any conversation anymore. Since im just being like a stupid person who tried to talk with the high level person who just actually going to Grad just Diploma in Computer Science Multimedia. While my school classmate who studied at Torronto in Geologist, my friend at Sri Lanka, India who takes Medic for 5 years still can be so friendly with me. I want to show them how i success. And i wanna see how far they could go out there.

Dalam group semua bodoo. Fuck fuck and fuck.

Nanti?

What am i gonna be if im no longer here?
I mean.. hmm lately aku post benda2 yang sad.. terrifying apa semua.. and sedih2.
Maybe sebab condition aku.

I mean yaaa..
My whole right part of my body.. at my lung till my waist was hurt. I mean just now i was playing and holding my niece and  it was hurt. So much. My lung... its like being press and its become hot by itself.. just the area become hot.. and it was inside.. i can feel it.. totally. Plus im not sweating at all that moment.
Damn aku terus stop.. turunkan budak tu and lari baring atas katil.. macam pelik tiba2 tersungkur jadi aku pura2 main handphone.. sakitt Ya Allah.. ni gara2 batuk aku yang terlalu lama..

Period cycle aku pulak xdtg since Ramadhan haritu.. aku xtau nak cakap mcamana... condition aku totally like... hmmm... then i was kena keep on eat my epilepsi medicine.. and then im keep like getting skinny..

Hmmmm... this is so... so depressing..
And im not ready for final exams..
Yet everything seems so bad.. im just keep resting all the time...

And my family keep warned me.. like jangan tidur lewat.. jangan lupa makan.. jangan penat sangat.. i just dont wanna burden anyone anymore. Sometimes i feel like i can stop all of this..

To me manques..

He miss me not..
He miss me yes...
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me not..
He miss me yes..
He miss me yes.......

I miss him yes and yes..... 😔😔😔😔

Jiwa

Terasa bagai mahu menghempaskan jiwa
Jiwa yang berlubang
Penuh kesunyian
Separuh buta
Dek kerana yang paling penting belum cukup

Bagaimana dahan itu hendak subur
Menghasilkan buah
Jika akarnya diabaikan
Sekalipun akar itu tenggelam
Masih boleh meresap jauh
Selebihnya terpulang pada jalan

Jalan yang dipilih
Mahu buta
Mahu songsang
Mahu menjadi yang teragung
Atau mahu duduk dan lihat

Lembar-lembar yang dihempaskan
Walau sekecil mana
Aku tahu menghargai
Aku telah meninggi
Membesar seiring dahan dan ranting
Yang dulunya cuma tunas

Kini aku perlukan juga
Sedikit palitan sayang
Yang aku belum pernah kecapi
Sejak memori aku yang terakhir kali
Memang belum pernah digenggang erat
Mahupun dipeluk erat

Tak mengapa
Aku menuggu hikmahnya
Aku berharap dia membawa syurga
Dan yang lurus untuk aku

Aku pun ada perasaan ahhh

Bukannya apa...

aku cuma terasa..

memanglah.. aku sepatutnya dah biasa dengan benda2 ni semua..

tapi aku ada hati dan perasaan..

maybe orang boleh buat jokes pasal sickness aku..

Ya.. aku memang ada epilepsi..

atau erti kata lain sawan..

and people will make jokes and makes fun of it..

because of what happen..

saat aku kejang aku meronta2 macamtu..

mulut berbuih..

mata ke atas..

mungkin hanya digelakkan kalau sesiapa ingatkan balik..

even waktu tu panik..

mungkin selepastu akan tetap aku digelakkan..

tambahan adik beradik selalu buat jokes..

bahan aku "budak sawan" atau " budak kejang"

sedangkan waktu tu.. aku je yang rasa betapa peritnya..

aku menegangkan seluruh urat2 saraf aku dari otak sampai seluruh badan..

dan lepastu takda satu urat pun yang xsakit..

seriously its not a joke to me..

its hurt..

seriously..

stop make fun of it..

im having this sickness since 12 years old..

and my brain is abnormal not the way normal people think..

and i have a seizure..

and i have starring spells..

which i have problem in concentration..

in those 3 years at UTM ..

i can count how many times im focused in class..

just a few times.

the rest of it im just starring at anything and thinking deeper.

and today i back home because mom keep asking me when i will back home

and when i back..

i got no mood..

please i wanna get rid all of those things quicker

my head messed upppppp ! 

Medical Checkup's

Today i have appoinment.
medical checkup's at Tawakal Hospital

so.. have to wake up earlier
because the appoinment is early in the morning..
so that we need to be earlier than the doctor

so today i've done the EEG brain test.
to test my brain condition.

An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test that detects electrical activity in your brain using small, flat metal discs (electrodes) attached to your scalp. Your brain cells communicate via electrical impulses and are active all the time, even when you're asleep. This activity shows up as wavy lines on an EEG recording.

An EEG is one of the main diagnostic tests for epilepsy. An EEG may also play a role in diagnosing other brain disorders.

before this i keep have the appoinment at Tawakal hospital. but it was 6 years ago.with Dr Raihanah abd Khalid. my neurologist. but she said im getting better and i can stopped.that time idk that my condition was this bad. i thought im just not enough blood that flowing to my head. because mom said like that. hmmm moms reason keep changing ah. i should just listen to the doctor directly.

and my doctor is no longer gave her service here. just transferred to Assunta Hospital. The one who giving service now is Dr Abu what i dont remember. He just asked about me.. asked me to walk.. blinking and so on.

then we have the EEG test. and then he asked what pills do i take before. so i told him i took the EpilimChrono. then he said I will continue with that medicine after this and he added a Paracetam too. both to be taken everyday before i go to sleep. 

about the EEG test. im done it before. it was hurt. even just involved a blink of eyes and a light. but it was hurt. it do effects my brain cells which makes me jerking everytime the light being blink at interval times. it was hurt. thats why im jerking my body. the nurse hold me. she said sorry for doing the test because she have to do it. i said it was okay. then she print the test and gave it to the doctor.

The doctor analyze it and he said the epilepsi is still there. he said i should go with the MRI test after this but he said he want to see me next month. my progress. and gave me a warning not to driving, cycling, riding motorcycle, or holding hot things. 

yaaah and now i cant do anything. greatttt.... ==''

13 September 2014

okay macam tak tau pulak 13 september ni hari apa kan?
its my birthday.
yaaa its my birthday.
so what?

yaaaa so what.
damn i miss him.
he was back home
met his family.
he have the right to meet them.

yaa its true baru dia go for 2 days je.
damn dah rindu gegiler T____T
sedih arrrr.... huwaaaaaaa

lek2 esok dia dah balik kan. kenapa aku nak overact sangat ni
masalahnya kawan2 aku ni eii xleh tengok aku senang laaa.
asik whatsapp pasal kerja je.
mcmana aku nak rest mcmni.
haihh..
sakit hati.
nak tu ah nak ni ah.

bengang pun ade.
marah kang jadi lain plak..

huwaaa rindu :( :(

HONEYYYYYY ~~~

Before birthday

This thing wont get rid of me isn't it?
and today it does happen again.
i mean the second time of this year.
after the incident that happen when i was sleeping on my bed before.

this time in the bus.
i was in the bus with my friend Taseq.
and i was talking with her and played phone.
suddenly i was collapsed.
and i dont remember i was collapsed and what ever happen after that.
honestly i dont remember.

as i woke up
i saw her next to me
and she was sitting next to me holding phone.
and im at a place i dont recognize at all.
and i asked her " where am i ? where am i ? why im here?"
now i know why most drama's used this sentence as they wake up from fainted or what.
and she replied " kau pengsan tadi. dalam bas. and sekarang kau kat hospital"
i looked around. tried to remember the place. its look familiar.
and i saw she was holding a phone and i saw a man photo's on a big screen phone.
i knew it. it was my phone. and i asked "mana Rifhan ?"
she just said " haaa? Rifhan? eh kejap2 nanti dia datang eh. dia otw"
then i just nodded my head and lie back on bed.

my body is completely tired.
i cant even moved at all.
even a little move makes me dizzy.
im so dizzy.
i dont really remember my friend that sit next to me.
i tried to.
but it was hurt.
damn hurt.
i can feel my brain like going to explode while sending the data to me.
i sleep back. then i wake up again.
i still saw her. i asked her " mak aku mana?"
she replied like she was panic " nanti mak kau datang eh. mak kau on the way. Rifhan pun on the way"
and then i was lie back on the bed. doesn't remember anything.
but idk why im just remember the guy. the one in my phone.
the one named Rifhan.

after a moment i feel like someone holding my head.
like a girl.
and idk who.
i bet she was Linda.
my classmate and friend too.
and she was like talking something with someone and i dont remember anything.
i cant even see her face.
im too tired.

and then i open my eyes again.
i saw my mom.
there she is.
she said "kakak?? penat ke??"
and im just nodded.
i recognize my mom.
she was there.
with another woman.
and im just hear her voice.
like making a jokes to me.
and idk what she was talking like blablabla..
and i fall asleep back.

and i feel i sleep much longer
i open back my eyes.
slowly
and i saw a guy
wearing cap
reading a novel.
i closed my eyes back
to ensure im not dreaming

i opened again
i saw the same person again
im not dreaming
idk who he was
but he seems cute
from my first impression
and he was like an educated guy

suddenly he saw me wake up
and he wave at me
damn he was cute
who is he.
im tried to remember
though its hard so much
and im force myself to remember
at last i know everything slowly
he is the one i keep asking for
he already here and arrived

that time so many things in my mind
that i should not think actually
the thing was
- wheres my mom
- how do i get here
- how i can collapsed
- how to go back
- how to go to tonight's program?
- how can i submit my assignment?
- how can i settled all of my group assignment?
- does my friend know about this?
- who's gonna repairs the car and my hardware assignment haven't prepared anything yet

and suddenly im vomit.. seriously think too much.
and the cute guy infront of me like rushed searched for plastic. then he gave
his bread plastic. and im vomit in it. seriously dizzy.
he gave me a bread and a mineral water.
and i said im not in mood to eat.
and he said i have to eat. but then im just drink the water.
im thirsty than hungry i think.

then i asked him " boleh balik rumah?"
he reply " boleh doctor cakap kalau awak dah okay boleh laa balik"
then im just look at him. he keep smiling.
i was being free hair that time cause he tell me that they opened my hijab because they put into my mouth so that i won't bite my tongue.

but the part i hate the most is when we have to walked looking for taxi.
and i was wearing a cap like that and its like so weird.
and then lucky got taxi enter the Campus.

as reached home.
no one's home
and i need to call my mom.
and my mom back and open the door.
she said why im not waiting for her to picked me up.

i dont want to burden her actually
enough she being so many times scared cause im always fainted.

then he takes care of me at home.
and im just lie down and sleep.
after that i dont remember what was happen.
i heard my sister voice.
she said "kakak okay ke?"

then i was like shock hear her voice and then my sister was there.
and everyone around me i recognize except him.
omg he was still at my house?
and his shirt was on me?
whatdaa what is happening
i thought something bad was happen
and then as usual they talked2 and asked me so many things and i was like blablabla

after that he eat with my family. how sweet.
he was eat with my family.
hahahaha this is never happened in my life before.
a stranger eat with us.
this is never happend beforeeeeee!
but im glad so much.
there must be something behind all of this
and my mom keep thanked to him
and idk why
and mom said cause he waits for me from the early morning till petang tak makan2

damn that was sweet.
what a sacrifice he ever done

then suddenly he said there is a cake for me
in the fridge
for my birthday
and he gave me an iron man
for my birthday
awwww i feel like wanna cried
he was way too sweet on earth damn damn damn
i know its still early..
its just thursday and my birthday was on saturday.
but he was still so sweet..
oh gad...
hmmmm..
damn sweet.

ive type too much.
no one gonna read those things.

but after all

i love you rifhan.
damn damn damn much.

happen again

so.. it does happen again ,
sakit yang macam dlu aku kena tu datang balik.
so aku xtau la nak buat macamana lagi.

mulanya aku sakit tekak sebab seriously berjangkit dengan sarah.
anak buah aku.
esok tu aku bangun pagi perghh sumpah perit yg amat sangat tekak aku.
memang perit dia aku xtertanggung.
sebab kat tekak and kat hidung overall mcm tersumbat and then aku xleh nak breathe.
aku bangun kipas2 mcm lepas then kakak aku suruh minum air panas
aku minum laa lepastu baru aku boleh bernafas.

then masa kat rumah badan tak panas lagi.
lepas balik ksj badan aku dah mula bahang sangat2.
bahang yang aku xdapat nak tanggung.
tapi aku xnak MC lagi.
last week je dah berapa hari aku MC.
xkan aku nak MC lagi this week kan.
so gagahkan jugak tubuh ni. walau bila2 masa je boleh tumbang.

masa 1st class hardware aku lentok je atas meja.
lecturer cakap tengok muka pun tau aku sakit ahaa
agak laa sebab muka aku mmg muka sakit.
maybe sbb effect aku cough too hard and bawah mata aku lebam.

then aku terus pergi klinik.
kat klinik ase mcm nak tumbang daaaa sebab pergh aku dah menggigil.
lama dah xdemam tinggi macamni.
nurse tu check2 then suhu aku 38.7 perrgh nasib tak 40 above.
kalau 40 above aku dah tumbang dah kot.

so harini dah hari ketiga demam.
bila malam je panas balik.
padahal aku banyak gila makan ubat.
and air panas air suma air mineral dah bergelen2 aku minum.

tidur plak susah.
memang dugaan laa..
tapi maybe sbb banyak dosa kot..

“Sakit demam itu menjauhkan setiap orang mukmin dari api neraka”. (HR. Al-Bazzar, dishohihkan Syeikh Albani dalam kitab Silsilah al Hadiits ash Shohihah no. 1821).

“Janganlah kamu mencaci-maki penyakit demam, karena sesungguhnya (dengan penyakit itu) Allah akan menghapuskan dosa-dosa anak Adam sebagaimana tungku api menghilangkan kotoran-kotoran besi”. (HR. Muslim no. 2575).

dan yang paling penting..

Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Apabila seorang hamba yang beriman menderita sakit, maka Allah memerintahkan kepada para malaikat agar menulis perbuatan yang terbaik yang dikerjakan hamba mukmin itu pada semasa sihat dan pada semasa waktu senangnya.”

“Apabila seorang hamba mukmin sakit, maka Allah mengutus 4 malaikat untuk datang padanya.”

Allah memerintahkan :

1. Malaikat pertama untuk mengambil kekuatannya sehingga menjadi lemah.

2. Malaikat kedua untuk mengambil rasa lazatnya makanan dari mulutnya.

3. Malaikat ketiga untuk mengambil cahaya terang di wajahnya sehingga berubahlah wajah pesakit menjadi pucat lesi.

4. Malaikat keempat untuk mengambil semua dosanya , maka berubahlah pesakit menjadi suci dari dosa.

jadi... alhamdulillah ^_^