Insecure

Arrghhh urrrghhh !! what is happened to me now huh ? yap I know that is should focus t these week because it is a final examination week . but but but I’m really2 high potentially pressure and I’m really2 tired and I’m really2 don’t have energy in doing so many things. Urgghhh thing whole feeling makes me feel crap!  Need know why I became like this since the day of study week started and I’m just alone in my room. Then all of these happened. U know, when I was always alone in my room, I kept to being hallucination, I dreaming about whole thing, and then I think so many thing and sometimes I over thinking till it makes me scared somehow.

It started since last Tuesday, I have to back to my hostel because I felt that its much more easier for me to do my assignment since I have to sent it that night also. Then as I reached my room I knew that my room was empty. So I just let it go because im get used with it. The first day was okay nothing happened. The second day is started felt very lonely and I was thinking something bad during I was calling with my cik abang then suddenly I felt very scared and quickly rose out of my room. Then my breathing is pumped in out like I’m just running 20km away. I don’t even know what is happening on me actually okay. Then I went upstairs checked on my friend Fariha . She haven’t went anywhere lucky me she was in her room at that moment. So im just asking her if she can stay in my room tonight then we can………………u know …… ? hahahahahaha ! of course not im not asking her that way? What do you think I am? A lesbian woman? I’m noooott hahahahaha.

So back to the topic I asked her to sleep in my room because I felt very consciousness till I can’t sleep and I can’t be alone if not I’ll be hallucination about so many things that was not there at all. And I will make up things. She said it was okay but she have to met my another friends because she got things to do. This means she will catch me up later. Well that’s enough to make me calm….just a little calmness….??

Its almost 2 am so what I have to do is I have to sleep whatever it takes I must sleep. I’m trying to sleep but then my eyes keep opened sometimes and I’m blinking everywhere in my room. I’m really2 can’t understand this why is all of this is happening to me since I never felt scared for my whole life and why suddenly I felt this way now. This is really2 don’t make point. When I was blinking around Fariha is twisted my door and she entered. Phewww lucky she can make it. I'm almost fainted alone here with my stupid ridiculous mind. Then she slept there till the dawn. After dawn I checked that she was not there anymore maybe she already back to her room by the way. I don’t mind maybe she got so many else to do.

In the evening I texted my roommate and I just want to knew when she will be back I cant stand to be alone hereee gaddd . so she replied she will be here in maybe 10.30. so I waited her outside just because I felt very scared to be alone. Almost 1 hour I waited for her outside but she didn’t arrived yet. So I text her. She replied she went to campus to handing out her assignment. So I entered my room back. I cant just waited there plus I haven’t get my shower yet. Its freakin hot okay. After im taking bath im just lying on bed waitin for her. Then after about 2 hours after that she arouse entering room and im just waiting her to settled everything and I want to talk to her. Butttt butt …. Unfortunately …. She is back just to grab her things then she quickly rose out of the room and I don’t even have time to say anything tto her at all. Arrrghh felt like kicking something during that time. I was very sad that I'm couldn’t say any word to her at all and she don’t even aske me anythinnnnnggg she just get out of the room just like that? what is the hell is happening ??? didn’t she need me at all ? didn’t she noticed me here ? didn’t she want to ask me when I'm back to hostel ? how I came ? what do I do since she was not here ? then im just weeping all the way…………..

Im texting fariha… about my feeling then she was appeared for me and I cried to her loudly… I cried as I want to cried… and im hugging her and keep crying and said “aku takut….aku takut…….” But I felt really2 calm after that and just follow what she said. What she asked me to do.. im just followed her..and until today im just avoiding myself from being alone.